He, Him and You
I am a single woman caught in a lovers quarrel involving four people… me, him, he, and you. Now this in no way sounds the way you think it sounds because him, he, and you have never met… the only thing you all have in common is me; and well me, I feel a different way about him and you than I do he.
He came after him but before you and he was too good to be true… He made me smile every time he said my name. He loved me more than I thought I deserved. There was nothing about me that he didn’t admire and I thought he was what I needed. I thought he was perfect… But sometimes I wasn’t too sure.. Because even though he was my love he brought me mostly pain. When I finally reciprocated my love for he, he desecrated my temple. The one place he promised me that he would cherish became a place where he hid his feelings, which seemed to vanish overnight, and buried his lies and deceit deep inside of me in the devils hours deep in my bed… he gave me mixed signals. He gave me the green light saying “I love you” but after he did so, a red light emerged which read, “WE’RE JUST KICKIN IT” and I still don’t know what that shit meant but he said it every time I asked about us… it soon became clear that it was no us, just me and he, matter of fact me then he… and you know what, he made me think I was crazy. He made me think that love was real and then he stole all the color out of my rainbow, my light and my happiness. He made everything black and white when he left me in the gray area.. He hurt me… and made me feel worthless. But honestly, he has shown me nothing but how not to let someone take away your smile. He robbed me of my beam but it was him who continues to restore me. Because he doesn’t matter anymore…
There’s not much I can say about him but that he changed me. It was him that I’d do anything for. I wanted to do everything unmentionable to him and at the same time, wanted nothing to do with him. I have always loved him… It was him who I used to yearn for… it was him who made picked me first to be on his team in kickball, him who I couldn’t stand because my friends would tease me about his big ears, him who kissed me for the first time under the steps in 5th grade, him who took me to my senior prom, him who made me a woman, him who showed me what love was and at the same time showed me what it wasn’t. I wasn’t dangerously in love with him.. I was stupidly infatuated with him because we were so young and even though it felt like we were going to last forever, we didn’t because like most childhood sweethearts, things became sour and sometimes I miss him… even though I know I shouldn’t. I like to call him my first love because if it wasn’t for him, then he wouldn’t have wrecked my life which eventually would have brought me to you. Without them I would have never met you… I can’t lie… I’m thankful for him, I appreciate him. I’d like to call him the best mistake I ever made and I will always love him but I’m in love with you.
Can I tell you something? I am madly in love with you and whether you know it or not, neither he nor him matter at this point because it’s you and only you. See, you’re the reason I wake up filled with a weightless kind of love and joy that overflows my heart. I thought I felt this way before about he and him but it wasn’t anywhere near as close of a feeling. They meant nothing and you mean everything. I want to thank you! Thank you for loving me flaws and all. Thank you for loving me despite what he did to me and despite of the virtue I bestowed upon him because you are my first at many more things than one… the first person to see me for my bad and my good, the first person to love all 3 of my rolls and 87 of my stretch marks. You were the first man I trusted. You, the man who showed me the difference between what it means to be with a man opposed to being with a boy. You, who continues to bring me so much joy. You, who helped me become the woman I was meant to be.
I love you and appreciate you so much. You don’t know what you have done to my life. You made me realize that they weren’t what I needed because that was already your place. I can’t wait to tell you about how there is no me and he, or him and me… just us and I can’t wait to meet you.
On March 11, 2015 I performed my poem “He, Him, You” live on the Georgia State University’s radio station WRAS 88.5. I wrote this particular poem in less than an hour while I was in a very confused yet comprehensive time of my life. In my next post I will include the actual poem as well as the link to WRAS 88.5.
The poem “He, Him, You” is about my relationship with what seems to be three men and myself, but it is actually an arrangement of the relationships I’ve had with four different men. The relationships of “Me and Him, and Me and He” does not include the relationship I have with “You”. These four men and the experiences I’ve encountered with them or what I have learned about love from them are transcribed through this body of work.
How I did it? I still don’t know but I can tell you why! I wanted to get allllllll of this, mainly those relationships, off of my heart. A friend of mine told me about the Underground Journal at GSU and how they are looking for artist of various types and that I should submit some of my writings. Naturally I sent them about three poems and one short story but literally at 10 p.m. after work I wrote this poem and sent it to them right before the midnight deadline.
A week later I received an email stating that my poem had been accepted and they would also like to invite me to the schools radio station to do a live recording of my poem. I was utterly thrilled. I have performed my poetry before but never have I participated in a live recording, let alone at a prestigious college radio station like WRAS 88.5 in Atlanta Georgia.
I was sought out by Katherine Kincer of Melodically Challenged. She has ties to GSU and is a professor who teaches about poetry and the greats at GSU.
I’m glad I got this off of my mind, and heart because trust me it was welllllll over due! A light heart lives long and in order for me to progress spiritually, in life, and in love I had to LET IT AND THEM GO!
The world is slowly but surely changing! Plus Sized Women went from dressing like Tracey Turnblad (Hairspray) to dressing in today latest fashions and we’re still labeled and considered as “Pretty for a Big Girls!”
You’ll rarely hear anyone say, “Oh she’s pretty for a skinny girl” simply because this physical feature is automatically embraced as thee standard of beauty in society. Being “Pretty for a Big Girl” might seem like a compliment but in fact it is not!
This statement, while in the same breath complimenting a woman a person is also degrading and insulting her! How would you feel if someone constantly gave you under handed compliments thinking it was supposed to be strictly complimentary? What if your boss told you that you had excellent work ethic but, oh wait honey because you’ll never get any further in this company because of your tattoos?…
Okay maybe that analogy was weird but you catch my drift. (rant coming thru) WHAT DOES ONE HAVE TO DO WITH THE OTHER. BY SLIDING IN THIS COMPLIMENT, OH SO GRACEFULLY BEFORE THIS DEGRADING STATEMENT, THE PERSON THINKS THAT IT WONT BE TAKEN IN A DEROGATORY SENSE BECAUSE AFTER ALL, I’M SAYING SOMETHING NICE. (rant over!)
When you say that someone is “Pretty for a Big Girl” it’s almost like you are saying that you are shocked that a big girl like me could be pretty or even remotely attractive. NEWS FLASH PEOPLE: all skinny girls aren’t cute Trust Me! & it’s 2015 Big Girls BEEN PRETTY but most of you have been too blinded by the 36 24 36 to even consider a 40 36 50 is even in the running. (Those aren’t my measurements I’m just saying!!)
The standards of beauty have been altered and embraced by society!
We’ve all seen them. There could be one next to you right now on the treadmill holding on for dear life and hiking up a level 15 incline. You may have spotted one inquisitively eying a BOSU ball, wondering what manner of cruel and unusual punishment a semi-circle could possibly deliver. They’re the Resolutioners who have taken your gym by storm this January to get started on their weight loss and fitness goals, and they haven’t received the warmest of welcomes.
I used to be a Resolutioner. In fact, I can say with confidence that “losing weight” or “eating better” was probably my staple resolution from the year 2003 through 2011. When it comes to my New Year’s resolutions, it was probably only surpassed in frequency by “This year I’m going to have a boyfriend,” or “This year I’m committing to not being so quiet and weird.”
I never stuck to it. I’d show up to the…
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